Oh my doodness! - 05.13.08Hello friends! Geesh... it has been... what? Four months? I'm ashamed of myself. :) 

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it's been a while - 01.30.08

Friends! How are you all doing? I have been meaning to get on here and journal for a few weeks now, but, alas-- it's been a bonkers couple of months. :)

A little over a week ago, a caravan of one mom, one sister, one nephew, one sister-in-law, and two aunts made their way down to Dallas to see my new town and to... PAINT! Shane bought a house last summer and there hasn't been time for either one of us to dig in and make some headway. So, it was sweet to have them here and show them around :)

THEN, Shane and the crew left for the K-Love cruise going through the Caribbean (it's a rough life!) and the day after, my dear, dear friend Kari flew down during her break from Taylor University... she spent three days with me and then flew home yesterday. So, these are kind of the first few days I've had with no agenda in a while... it's been awesome to get wedding plans done and go to the gym and hang out with my "roomies" (Hunter and Becky Hall- our friends that I'm living with) :) ...

And the Lord is saying so MUCH! I can't wait to dig in with y'all verrrry soon... until then, just wanted to say hi. :) I'll get on in a day or so. Love y'all.

Beth



P.S. hey! The Vision of You tour starts up in a week! Go to my myspace: myspace.com/bethanydillonmusic to get a listing of shows... Starfield, David Nasser, my personal favorite, Shane & Shane, and yours truly. it's gonna be fun. :)

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Nostalgia - 11.10.07

There's nothing to compare to pure, sweet, runny-nosed nostalgia. Yeah. Runny-nosed. We're in Lowell, Massachusetts, today and it has only increased my love for the New England states. We were just doing a run of shows up the west coast, had some days off (unpacked my flip flops and threw in some sweaters) and then flew to Conneticut yesterday morning. Five more shows before the tour ends... crazy, huh? Anyway. Back to having a runny nose. Aaron and I walked around downtown today... found a coffee shop named Brewed Awakening (some characters in there, let me tell ya) and a community art museum called The Revolving Museum. SO awesome... had my red hat pulled over my ears, multiple layers, my new brown coat that my sweet Shane bought for me, and breathed it in... nostalgia. Walking down old brick roads... smoke stacks on top of old buildings... 100+ year-old churches... I just wished that I could somehow swallow it. And THEN... we got back on the bus, and Ratatouille was on (I bought it last night at the grocery... love that movie, I'll admit it). What a perfect afternoon. I had read, made a pot of coffee, walked through an old, quaint downtown with a chai, stared at creativity in a bunch of frames on walls, and then sat on a warm bus watching a movie set in Paris.

My heart is just happy. :)

Well, hope you guys are doing well and enjoying the goodness of the Living God today! Seek to be satisfied in HIM only... it's a worthwhile fight. Love y'all... see some of you tonight.



Beth

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Evidence of the Experience - 10.29.07

Just left a very stuffy room... walked out into the rainy parking lot at Bayside Church here in Roseville, CA. I heard some thunder earlier this afternoon and it sprinkled a little, but tonight... it was pouring when we hopped off the bus to go inside to start the show. And wouldn't you know it- the power went out. Not just once. Not even twice. Or three times! I'm not sure if I have enough fingers and toes to count how many times that big ol' room (and all the shiny stuff onstage) turned pitch black, followed by many a gasp/squeal/chuckle/grumble/sigh. So, semi-long story short, Will (drummer dude) and I just went out and did kind of a worship thing and hung with everyone... sooo stinkin fun. And sweaty. And now, I'm sitting on a quiet bus with a little-bit-eaten cookie on the counter staring me down as I type this little journal to y'all. (I may lose all will power at any moment. With the cookie, that is.)

So, that's just what happened in the past hour or so... but today was such a good day. As Shane would say, I felt like a "spiritual ferret" today (i.e. distracted) but He STILL spoke in it. Pretty amazing that there's absolutely no way for me to stop Him when He has something to say!

Now, this is gonna be pretty transparent, but I think you guys can handle it. :) Last night, I was sitting in the back lounge of our bus, about to leave Yorba Linda Friends church for Roseville, talking to my wonderful fiancee on the phone... I'd had SUCH a good day... the Lord had really been speaking to me about my fallenness and how much I am NOT selfless or truly compassionate... which may not sound like the ingredients for a good day, but it was. His discipline is like nothing else, let me tell ya. Soo... I'm all in my "spiritual-mode", if you know what I mean- asking about his day, trying to be encouraging and a good listener, sharing about my day-- all good, good, good, until.......

Hello, Miss Attitude! Out of the clear blue sky (whoda thunk?), something very very very small rubbed me juuust wrong and that was it. I was ticked. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I mean, I remember what the catalyst was... but it's not even big enough to mention. And the worst part? I KNEW that I was being a jerk, and didn't do anything about it! And wouldn't you know it, as soon as sweet, sweet Shane got off the phone (I'm in awe of how gentle he is in the face of my crappiness) I wanted to call him right back and apologize until I got blue in the face.

Instead, I texted him. :) Something really restrained, you know? Restrained in that... my HEART wanted to really repent, but my flesh still wasn't letting me.

Rewind a little: Shane and I have started reading this amazing book by a man named Gary Thomas called "Sacred Marriage"... we found it at their studio on his desk... no clue who put it there, but there were two copies. What really grabbed us was the subtitle: "What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?"... yeah. :) Pretty awesome. So, we've been reading it together... every chapter gets better somehow. The last one I read was about marriage cultivating a deeper prayer life. This morning I went to the back lounge with my coffee and cereal, cracked open the now-worn-in book to the next chapter, and winced reading the title:

"The Cleansing Of Marriage: How Marriage Exposes Our Sin"

Ooouuuuch....

What a timely word He brought through that! And then, followed it up with these verses in 1 John:

"Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. You know that He appeared to take away sins, and in Him there is no sin. No one who abides in Him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen Him or known Him.

"Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as He is righteous. Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God's seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. By this it is EVIDENT who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil; whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother." (3:4-10)

Did John HAVE to thrown in that last line? Man. What a SHARP Word to hear! Those lines kept going through my brain: "no one who keeps on sinning has either seen Him or known Him"..."the Son of God appeared... to destroy the works of the devil"..."by this it is evident who are the children of God"...

I am diving head first into gut-wrenching repentance over those lines! Well, I'm praying that He'll help me do that.. and not just move on to the next thing. I NEED to let that sink in. My life in Him depends on it! My unbridled, selfless, whole-hearted love for others (especially Shane) is directly related to my love for the Almighty! And, beyond THAT, it is the evidence if I have seen Him or know Him at all. Wow.

I went back and read some of these words from 1 John 2 (and it gave me some vision in the murkiness of my confession-mode): "And now, little children, abide IN Him, so that when He appears we may have confidence and not shrink from Him in shame at His coming."

So, walking around the parking lot today, my iPod playing Isa Couvertier's "Pressing Into You" on repeat (<-check that song out, you'll be glad you did), looking at the beautiful clouds and trees... I just started asking Him to show me what abiding IN Him looks like. And having a life in Him that is evidence of experiences with Him...

In summation: I'm fallen, human, needy, depraved, whatever you want to call it... and I know today only scratched the surface! But PRAISE the Most High, that SO isn't the end of the story! Or the most important part... but that HIS strength be proved in my weakness. HIS salvation seen within a messed up person. HIS Spirit at work within an otherwise hopeless creature... and inspiring a love for Jesus that overshadows everything else and points undoubtedly to Another Place.

Alright... my hand's feeling a little cramped, I may go now. :) Hope you guys are good. See some of you at Chico tomorrow!



Beth



p.s. Today is exactly 5 months away from the big day! :)

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Slow down, you're moving too fast... - 10.20.07

Sorry, I was just thinking about how this journal is going to be about "rest" and I started humming that Simon & Garfunkle song. :)

How are you today? How crazy it was to have awakened in muggy, rainy North Carolina yesterday morning (still love you, NC) and then to wake up here in Virginia and have to pinch myself because it's so beautiful! I went to sleep around 10pm (I'm so not a rock star) and after some crazy dreams, got up around 8 this morning. After drinking the last little bit of an Odwalla smoothie I had in the refrigerator, I stood there in my groggy confusion and thought about what else to have for breakfast. Aha! Catering should have breakfast out! I thought... and mosied inside. After searching through this massive church, a group of us found the room... I could smell the aroma of coffee down the hall :) ... and then, from breakfast, I walked out a side entrance of the church and stared at the most unexpectedly breathtaking scene: the morning sun dancing its way through a family of young, autumn-colored trees. And the smell! Man... I love the way fall smells. And the birds... HIS birds... were singing the sweetest songs. I couldn't help but feel like He had set that up for me today... kind of like someone setting up a candle lit dinner, with flowers and lovely, inviting smells.

All of that to say... in my pursuit of community (BEGGING for Him to enlarge my heart to change in that area), I was hit with the tension there is between spending time with Him... and them. You know what I mean? I think in the past I've felt like, Well, I'm either going to give my time to Jesus or to people... but, really, that isn't the case. At least not for me, not in this season. He is the MEAT of my day... everything (and everyone) else is just the marinade. Not that HE needs it!- or that He is lacking in ANYthing! Have mercy if I ever even considered that... no... but it tenderizes MY heart. It makes my very imperfect, needy, hungry time with Him to be more flavorful. Does that make sense? I wish we could be sitting with cups of coffee right now and I could share with you face to face. :)

Anyway... I was fed with the finest of wheat this morning, friends. Not because I'm all that deep, or smart, or driven. But because HE really is able to draw me into a place of rest. These are some verses that have healed my thoughts about resting with and in Him (when it has seemed IMPOSSIBLE... unproductive... and let's be honest... boring):

"O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me. But I have CALMED and QUIETED my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me..." [psalm 131:1-2]

Having a soul like a weaned child... wanting nothing... no agenda... not being lifted too high, but staying low. Quiet. Calmed. Waiting.

"For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel, 'In RETURNING and REST you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength...'" [isaiah 30:15]

Hmm. Anyway, I just wanted to let those words fall on your ears... it's good marinade. :)

Have a great day.



Beth

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State Fair - 10.19.07

That's right! We're at the North Carolina state fair today. :) I woke up around 9 this morning and it was POURING rain outside... it's kind of sunny and muggy now, but I'm still in rainy-day mode. You know what I mean? Zip up jacket, sweats, tea, books, calling friends. Maybe every day feels like that to me... or at least... that would be my preference :)

Gosh, friends! I can't believe it's taken me a whole blasted month to get back in the swing of journaling. Sometimes I feel like in the area of "keeping up", if there were some kind of "Bad At Keeping Ups Anonymous" group, I'd join in a heartbeat (<- you can ask anyone who knows me and find out that that couldn't be truer!). I spent a lot of this morning making phone calls... I read for a bit in my bunk and then had such a craving to connect with some friends, you know? I had about an hour drive yesterday from the airport to the venue and made a phone call to a dear, dear friend of mine that I hadn't caught up with in... months. It was SO good. I forget how badly I need community. How much I need to be KNOWN and understood and journeyed WITH. Maybe that's the curse of being deeply introverted... I am happiest when I have quiet, space, a journal, Bible, and a pen. There isn't anything wrong with being FED by that I don't think - but I can easily get caught up in my own little world and forget that there are so many other stories going on! Lord, help me look beyond my OWN stuff!

Anyway... we're back out on the SCC tour after a very wonderful 10-day break. About two days before our break started, my brother got hitched! It was sooooooo beautiful... man. My sister and I were bridesmaids, and getting that much of a front seat to something that mirrors THE Story of Christ pursuing His bride was overwhelming, to say the least. I didn't think I was going to cry, and then the moment Becky (my now-sister-in-law) walked into the room, I lost it. Completely lost it. Kate and I had to sing a few minutes after that, and I was struggling to keep all my snot from coming out... to SOMEHOW come off composed :) But, wow! How sweet weddings are. It got me sooo excited for Shane and I's :) To be in those shoes and begin living a parable of The Story. Amazing!

I was telling a friend yesterday that the season I'm in could be put into one word: repentance. I'm sure I've journaled about this already, but there is absolutely NOTHING that convinces you more of your fallen nature and desperate need for Jesus than a fiancee or spouse! :) I have been APPAULED by how imperfect I am... needy... rebellious... insecure... prideful. And what a privilege it's been to have the posture of my spirit corrected and straightened so much... His discipline makes me feel loved, you know? (Heb 12:5-11 has been a good teacher in that) Anyway... it's been good for my soul! Not exactly pleasant, but GOOD. There's a passage in Haggai that I've returned to a bunch lately:

"Consider your ways. You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes. Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house, that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified, says the Lord. You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house." (1:5-9)

What a hard thing to hear... but what a GOOD thing! To be called at all to the building of His house. For His house in ME to be labored in... God, give us desire to do that!

Well, I think I should probably go get somewhat ready before sound check. Hope y'all are doing well.... see you soon! :)



Beth

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I apparently produce an ungodly amount of ear wax - 09.21.07

Hello from Hoffman Estates, Illinois!

I've been calling it Hoffman HEIGHTS all day... nice one Beth, nice one.

Anyway... day numero two of the SCC tour! It's been so much fun... so restful. Really. I've never felt this rested on tour before. Maybe it's because I don't have anything to do until about 4pm... and THEN... I only sing for 22 minutes :) It's been GOOD... I've just been getting up in the mornings, enjoying the quiet, reading, making some tea... I got some serious running shoes the other day in Nashville (yay for Fleet Feet!) and have felt like getting back into it. I think having 30-40 minutes outside every day has been good for my soul :)

But, really, it's such an honor to be out with these people -- Steven, of course, has been such an encouragement to everyone already. Super honest... very open about his dependency on Jesus. He kind of gathered all of us last night before the show started and shared his heart about this tour and prayed with us... I'm excited to see what all He's going to do!

So... here's my story. I was sound checking yesterday and was having so much trouble with my in-ear monitors... everything sounded muffled and distorted... and kind of all just coming out of the left ear. Weird, huh? So, I asked for more vocal... more vocal... MORE vocal... could I get a little more guitar?... could you just turn everything else down and it just be vocal and guitar?... could you just turn my mix ON?... (<-- that's me talking to our AWESOME monitor guy, Tim)

After the show last night, Tim came over and asked how it was... he saw that after a couple of songs, I took my right in-ear out. I told him I was still having problems... asked if the mix I was getting was panned all the way to the left on accident... he kinda smirked and asked to see my in-ears. Sure, I said, handing them to him. He turned on his flashlight, shined it on my plastic molds and.... an orange glow appeared. Hmmm...

"Yeah. There's so much wax shoved into these that it's blocking out the sound completely. You probably need to clean 'em."

Oh, ok. Cool. Uh... I promise I'm... uhhhh.... clean. Not dirty... clean. Promise.

:) anyway... when I went to get my molds done, the Ear Lady (because I can't quite think of what else to call her) told me that cleaning your ears with Q-tips is actually harmful because it either just shoves the wax further down the ear canal, OR, punctures your ear drum. (Did I just scare all of you Q-tippers?) So, all of that to say, I haven't cleaned mine in quite some time. Just... forgot. I bought this solution to drop in for a few minutes... I think it loosens and dissolves the wax or something... not sure. I think I'm probably going too in-depth about this, though. But, yeah, Tim the Brave cleaned them for me this afternoon and when I put them in tonight, I felt like a whole new person. It was great. :)

The Lord is MESSING me up, y'all! I've been reading in Deuteronomy... still... and have been freaked out over His plan. How so many things about Jesus were said to the Israelites camping out on the hot sand, listening to this fiery, white-haired man named Moses deliver the Law to them. I wasn't planning on sharing this, but now that I've dipped my toe in the waters of ramble, I gotta go grab my Bible and show something to you:

"And if a man has committed a crime punishable by death and he is put to death, and you hang him on a tree, his body shall not remain all night on the tree... for a hanged man is cursed by God." (Deut 21:22,23)

"Christ redeemed us from the curse of the law by becoming a curse for us-- for it is written, 'Cursed is everyone who is hanged on a tree'... Is the law then contrary to the promises of God? Certainly not! For if a law had been given that could give life, then righteousness would indeed be by the law. But the Scripture imprisoned everything under sin, so that the promise by faith in Jesus Christ might be given to those who believe. Now before faith came, we were held captive under the law, imprisoned until the coming faith would be revealed. So then, the law was our GUARDIAN until Christ came..." (Gal 3:13, 21-24)

Everybody just hopped on the bus, so I'm not sure how focused the rest of the rambling will be... :) I'm just floored at the thought that the Law was Israel's guardian. Yeah. I'll expound on that later I guess. :)

I gotta say it... it's my birthday tomorrow! :)

Okay... see y'all soon. Beth

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I'm not as great as I'd hoped... (thank God) - 09.05.07

Friends...

I'm gonna need lots of grace in this busy season! Just last night I was sitting in the back of the room at the Grove City show on the Shane & Shane tour and it popped into my head that I haven't posted something in... almost exactly a month! So sorry for that. It's not for lack of things going on, that's for sure. In fact, my tardiness may be more of a proof of how MUCH is going on... and how impossible most of it is to fit into a handful of paragraphs.

My fingers are kinda sticky right now. I stole away to the downstairs at our house to get some quiet... with a fresh cup of coffee... getting some stuff done that I've been putting off. I brought a peach down with me and about two bites into it remembered why I prefer to cut them up. Juice, juice, juice. And then... eating around a big ol' seed-pit kinda thing. Anyway... I probably just formed way too many sentences about eating a silly peach, but I felt like sharing how this journaling experience is... sticky. :)

There is absolutely NOTHING that teaches more than being in a relationship. Just because of how true that statement is proving to be in my life, I'll say it again.... there is NOTHING that has ever, ever, EVER exposed the crappiness of my flesh more than being in a relationship.

:)

I'm sure a lot of you are nodding your heads and chuckling at me right now. Man... I went on a walk with my sister this morning and was sharing a little. Maybe it's just because most of my life has been hinged on good behavior. I grew up in church, all my Sunday school teachers liked me, I knew all the answers to those little work sheets they gave you along with a handful of Cheerios to keep you quiet. I mean... yeah. I just figured I was a pretty good person.

Sooo.... finding out that that couldn't be farther from the truth! Thank you, Jesus! So much of my identity has been hung up on that-- being "together". Well, the honeymoon period of that thinking is beginning its end as we speak! And I'm sure there's even more to come! (I shudder at the thought...)

I'm prideful. But... I'm also extremely insecure. I'm needy. But... at the same time, I can be extremely selfish and confusingly independent. I also struggle deeply with jealousy... vulnerability... humility... service...

Who woulda thunk. :)

The amazing thing I'm learning is this... the weaker you are, the better you are. The more vulnerable you let yourself be, the easier it is to love and be loved. The more honest and humble I can be throughout the day-- with every emotional place I can go to thrown in the mix-- the closer Shane and I are... and the better I love Jesus.

I'm so THANKFUL for this season! Thankful to be loved by someone who's imperfect and sweet and has a lot of grace for my... fleshiness. Thankful to be loved by Someone who's absolutely perfect and doesn't push me aside because I keep making mistakes, but instead, corrects the posture of my spirit by His unfailing grace. It's amazing.

So, before I head upstairs to join the madness of dinner... I just wanted to share that with you, friend... whether you don't fully believe it yet, or have experienced what I'm talking about and needed a reminder... He longs to uproot and sow into you today! The uprooting IS painful... and humbling... but it makes soo much room for more of Him. :)

See y'all soon.

beth

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the "Oh!" heart of God - 08.02.07

Hello from Manchesta! :)

Bub, Nick, Luke, and I landed here a few hours ago... we had been in Orlando for a couple of days around the national youth gathering of the Lutheran church. We had a day off after the day we played, which I was really looking forward to... and then... I got sick. But, really, it was such a blessing to not have to play through a show sick, you know? I just slept a lot yesterday... watched "shark week" on the Discovery Channel (Shane's been laughing at me about that one -- I can't stop watching it!) ... read. I'm not very good at having days "off", but it was very needed.

So, as I re-situate my jeans because of how much I just ate for dinner, I wanted to share some stuff I've been reading this week that's blown my mind... I've been going through Deuteronomy... love, love, love that book. I so badly wish I could SEE Moses... meet him... look at the lines around his eyes. I feel like we would've been friends, for lots of reasons. I love how his life was crammed full and seeping with moments of God wanting to kill him (Exodus 4:24), along with moments of a more intense intimacy with YHWH than I'll ever know while I'm on earth (see Exodus 33 to get an idea). It's so, so HONEST. He's so prideful... and then... begging with humility for compassion.

I love the Israelites, too. What a funny bunch of people for the Lord to call his own! Fickle, unthankful, ignorant, stubborn, hard-hearted people. They remind me of someone... hmm... me? :)

So, anyway, I HAD been reading Matthew, and happened to notice during the temptation of Jesus, the only book He quoted was Deuteronomy. Two of the passages He quoted were both from chapter 6. I flipped over to Deuteronomy 6 and it felt like my bones were trembling:

"'Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might... It is the Lord your God you shall fear. Him you shall serve and by his name you shall swear. You shall not go after other gods, the gods of the peoples who are around you, for the Lord your God in your midst is a JEALOUS God...'" (6:4-5, 13-15)

How sobering to think that a chapter... a BOOK... written entirely about the affections of our hearts being focused on Him was ALL that came up during Jesus' temptation in the wilderness. Wow!

And thus began my journey back into the book of Deuteronomy. :) It's been convicting the crap out of me (if you know what I mean), and yet, comforting me at the same time. I wish I had space and time to share all that it's been stirring up inside of me, but to sum it up for now, I love what the Law says about Him. I love what the answer of Jesus says about Him, too! Of course I do! Otherwise I'd be hopelessly, hopelessly doomed. But, the confusing and Divine thing about Scripture is that it contradicts itself only to US... you know what I mean? It's made me scratch my head on many an occasion to read something in the Old Testament about the wrath of God (I flinched my way through Nahum the other night) and then turn to John and read about the EXACT likeness of God, Jesus, forgiving and having mercy on the woman caught in adultery.

Huh?

And, somehow, beyond what our brains can process... even beyond what our hearts can contain... there is NO separation. No wrathful side of God vs. the merciful side of God. NO! "The Lord is ONE." Crazy thought, huh?! I better change the subject kind of quick... if I dwell too much on it, I can sense myself getting a bit loony. :)

So, a few days ago, I read chapter 5... the Ten Commandments. Well, Moses REMINDING Israel of the Ten Commandments. How they happened, that HE (Moses) didn't write them, and then... he tells the story of Israel's reaction:

"'And as soon as you heard the voice out of the midst of the darkness, while the mountain was burning with fire, you came near to me, all the heads of your tribes, and your elders. And you said, 'Behold, the Lord our God has shown us his glory and greatness, and we have heard his voice out of the midst of the fire...'"

(FYI- they aren't saying this in a calm, collected tone... they just stood at the foot of a mountain that was blazing with fire and smoke, and a loud, booming voice delivering the LAW- what pointed out their guilt and shined a spotlight on their desperate need for redemption ... in other words -- they are scared outside of their minds)

"'...This day we have seen God speak with man and man still live. Now therefore why should we die? For this great fire will consume us. If we hear the voice of the Lord our God any more, WE SHALL DIE. For who is there of all flesh, that has heard the voice of the living God speaking out of the midst of fire as we have, and has still lived? Go near and hear all that the Lord our God will say and speak to us all that the Lord our God will speak to you, and we will hear and do it.'"

Can you IMAGINE what was going on in their heads? Staring at this terrifying mountain, probably thinking over and over... I'm still ALIVE? I'm living through this? REALLY? What the Lord was saying was so heavy... and true... and yet, completely unattainable. I read this through the lense of knowing and having Jesus... but can you just crawl into their skin for a moment and think of what it would be like to hear Him WITHOUT that?

What happens next is... yeah. Amazing:

"'And the Lord heard your words, when you spoke to me. And the Lord said to me, "I have heard the words of this people, which they have spoken to you. They are RIGHT in all that they have spoken. Oh that they had such a mind as this always, to fear me and to keep all my commandments, that it might go well with them and with their sons forever!"'"

Right when I read that, it reminded me of this verse in Psalm 81 that, again, convicts me to no end...

"'But my people did not listen to my voice; Israel would not submit to me. So I gave them over to their stubborn hearts, to follow their own counsels. Oh, that my people would listen to me, that Israel would walk in my ways!'" (v.11-13)

The "OH!" heart of God... the almost exasperated longing for obedience... the deep calling to deep kind of longing. How mind boggling to think that when Israel hung its head, widened its eyes, and crawled to Moses saying, "make Him stop talking before we die", that was what kindled the fire of "OH!" from Him.

A very familiar battle ground for me is deciphering between guilt and holy fear. Are you with me on that one? It's hard to get into the mindset of Deuteronomy 5 when Psalm 131 exists ("I have calmed and quited my soul, like a weaned child with its mother..."). But, both reactions to Him are right! TOGETHER, not divorced from each other. As I'm typing this, I want to slap myself across the face because it feels so impossible. :) But I think it's okay-- MORE than okay-- to get lost in discontentment like that, you know? Maybe that's what He's looking for.

All of that to say, it's done something to me to discover more of His "Oh!" heart. His... "Oh, I wish you'd fear me like this! I wish you'd tremble at the thought of me more than at the thought of a great white shark! I wish you'd take the time to think about how IT I am... that there's nothing else... nothing better... nothing that will last longer... nothing truer... OH, that that would always be your heart toward me!"

And when I think about that, oddly enough, I hang my head. Widen my eyes. Crawl to Him... asking that He would speak slower, give grace for the heavier stuff.

I hope that you're all doing well! I pray that you would find Him in the busyness and the quiet of your life today. See some of you tomorrow at SoulFest :)



Beth

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All smiles - 07.22.07

Hello there friends! I was checking up on the website today (for the first time in a while, I admit) and realized how LONG it’d been since I’ve last posted a journal! I’m soo sorry… a lot has been going on : ) We just got home this morning after taking a red-eye out of Los Angeles (we left at 1 AM), sprinting through the Detroit airport to juuuust make our flight to Columbus (they were closing the door as we got there), and then, of course, our bags didn’t make it! Not to mention Bub got sick with something the past two days… and then passed out on our flight home. Yep. Typical travel day. ; )

Anyway… I got a phone call from my Mama yesterday morning on our way to the airport that sweet Jon and Sherri Rivers on their weekend countdown show spilled the beans before I got to! I’m ENGAGED! I can’t wait to share with y’all about it… the shows I’ve been doing the past month have been pretty funny… people noticing SOMETHING on my finger… a ring, maybe? : )

And, honestly, in the chaos of the past month, I’ve thought multiple times about sitting down and writing a journal about it… and have really thought out how to first share it with all of you… because, no matter how cheesy it sounds, all of you who are part of the community here in Beth’s Journal Land, and those who so faithfully make it out to shows and say hi to my brother and I – we consider you dear, dear friends. And, even beyond that, family. We all are attached to and captivated by the same Unsearchable God… our hearts crying out in one voice, “ABBA!”

So, my sweet family, there’s my news! BIG news, I know… but my heart was to share it with you here instead of you hearing about it elsewhere… for you to know that you are welcomed into this story and that our heart is to share all of the God-ordained sweetness of it with you!

OH! Ok… so I bet you’re wondering who it is! Well, for about ten months now, Shane Barnard and I have been seeing each other… as most of you know, I’ve been friends with that whole Shane & Shane crew for about four years… and he has always, always been a kindred spirit. So last fall, after lots of seeking His heart, we started dating… which looked very different, since he was touring and I was writing and recording. But, by the mighty grace of God, it GREW… and a living analogy of His pursuit of the Church, His bride, began! (Are y’all thinking about those mysterious love songs on the new record? Now you know!)

I don’t think I’ve shared much about my thoughts on dating before… or, even finding the person that He desires you to build the Kingdom with… the person to spend your life with. Probably the biggest reason was because I’d never really dated! But, He really had set my heart on just being satisfied in Him FIRST… before I ever entered a relationship with someone else. Last summer was when I went to spend ten days in India… came back and was totally and completely wrecked… seeing and loving Jesus better than I ever had in my life. What a sovereign thing that Shane happened right after that. : ) Gosh… there are so many things I’ve learned about the Lord’s heart for me through Shane… I wish I could sit with you over a cup of coffee right now and share them all! Maybe more songs will happen and I can better share that way. : )

The semi-shortened version is this: I’m getting hitched to the Godliest, humblest, sweetest man on the planet! What a blessing to get to share my life with the best friend I’ve ever had! He and I both have just shook our heads at it… we are SO undeserving of something as good as this! Well, I know I am, at least. I’ve never dated anyone besides Shane, and I totally believe that to be the provision of God in my life… YET… I know lots of people who have dated a bunch before finding their spouse, and it’s just as ordained by Him! We have leaned in as close as we possibly could to hear what He would say… where He would lead. And this is it! Shane and I are so excited to be walking in obedience… walking in the direction of what He has prepared for us. What an adventure the Christward life really is! : )

Oooh, what a difference a year can make, huh? : ) My poor Mama… Bub’s getting married in October, and then I drop this on her! Haha! But it’s been so good… Shane is actually flying here to Ohio tomorrow afternoon to spend a few days with the whole zoo of my family… I’m so excited to see him! We both head out for fall tours in a month, which will definitely be a growing time for us. He’s really impressing on the both of us how to be satisfied in HIM first… and we’ve been forced to learn that since we only see each other about once a month… He knows what He’s doing. : )

And to answer the last question y’all may have for now… we’re both touring through next spring, and still looking at dates and considering when would be the best time to get married and have TIME to be married before we head back out on the road. If you think about it, we would covet your prayers in making a decision! We want only what He wants for us.

Well, I think I’m going to go spend some time with my family and then head to bed… still catching up on sleep after our crazy travel weekend! I’ll keep you guys updated on all of this! And I’m sooo happy to make you a part of it… and to know that we will be prayed for! I can’t tell you how much that means to us.

Oh… and I read a few things in Deuteronomy the other day I wanted to share with you guys. Maybe I’ll get on here sometime this week and ramble a bit about it. Yeah. Hope you guys had a wonderful weekend! See you soon!



The very, very, verrrry smiley Beth : )

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Lonely morning - 06.07.07

Just sitting here by the window in our dining room, listening to my brother Ben mow outside, my brother Matt watch the Rescue Rangers on Toon Disney... having kind of a barren, lonely morning. But it's GOOD. He keeps placing heavier weights on my back... it's hard to breathe when He first fastens it on, but I'm thankful for it, nonetheless. I was sharing with someone yesterday that following Jesus sometimes feels like a test I have to keep re-taking in the corner while everyone else moves on to the next lesson. :)

But, PRAISE JESUS that I am not called to compare! Or fix myself! I am called to intimacy... to wrestling and asking and waiting. I LOVE Him for it... I really, really, really love Him. Can't shake it.

I was reading the first few chapters of Exodus this morning... this verse in Exodus 2 has been underlined many times... lots of different colors of ink scribbled around it:

"...the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God. And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac, and with Jacob. God saw the people of Israel-- AND GOD KNEW."

The simple things are what slap me across the face... God KNOWS. When He heard the Hebrew slaves begging for rescue, He knew in His heart about calling Moses, leading them out, the forty years they'd wander, their journey to what had been promised... all of it. What a PEACE in knowing that today... that He KNOWS.

Breathe that in...

And have a lovely summer day! :)



Ok with not knowing,

Beth

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Attach Me - 06.06.07

The name Levi has been such a hiding place for me in the past few months... a foxhole in the middle of intense, disheartening battles. I was reading Genesis one time (I'm always returning to that book-- the messiness of those lovers of God is probably why) and came to the twenty-ninth chapter; the list of Jacob's children.

I'm sure almost all of you already know this, but Jacob was married to two women, who happened to be sisters: Rachel and Leah. He was head over heels in love with Rachel, he was tricked into marrying Leah. Jacob himself is such an interesting life to follow... he was a twin with a man named Esau, and he actually came out of the womb holding onto his brother's heel. They named him Jacob, which means "he takes by the heel" or "he cheats". And wouldn't you know it, he ends up cheating his older brother Esau out of his birthright. His mother, Rebekah, helped him do it, actually... he was her favorite.

Sound a bit messy?

The story is FAR from ending there... Jacob deceives his nearly blind father into thinking he is Esau, gets the blessing that goes to the oldest, everyone finds out, Jacob runs away because his brother planned to murder him in his rage... he finally ends up in a place called Haran, where he meets a man named Laban and falls in love with his daugher, Rachel. Jacob promises to work for seven years for her to become his wife.... "...and they seemed to him but a few days because of the love he had for her." (Gen. 29:20)

The boy was GONE, to put it simply.

But... Leah was the older daugher, and it was a custom that the older had to get married before the younger... so, Laban... tricked him. Not to say that Jacob was undeserving, honestly -- when you see the damage his sneaky selfishness has done to his brother's life. So, Jacob obviously finds out, and agrees to work another seven years for Rachel... the one he actually loves.

Leah? ... she's just the girl no one wanted. Older, probably not as attractive as her younger sister, unnoticed and a burden to her distracted, unwilling husband.

Which brings us to Genesis 29:31:

"When the Lord saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. And Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben, for she said, 'Because the Lord has looked upon my affliction, for now my husband will love me.' She conceived again and bore a son, and said, 'Because the Lord has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also.' And she called his name Simeon. Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, 'Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.' Therefore his name was called Levi..."

I can FEEL that lonely woman's sorrow throbbing in my chest even now... she has Reuben (which means "see, a son") and thinks to herself: "THIS will change everything; Jacob's heart will turn and be affected by me now."

...nothing.

She has Simeon (which means "heard") and thinks: "God has heard me-- He's giving me a sign that Jacob's heart will change... any moment... after all, I have TWO sons now! Rachel is BARREN!"

Again... nothing.

Then Levi comes... the third son. More would come after him (lots more- from Jacob came the twelve tribes of Israel) but Leah decides to call him "attached". She thinks, "Jacob HAS to be connected-- attached-- to me now. I've done the only thing I could possibly do to please him... give him sons."

Pause that story... fast foward a bit in that thick, weighty section of stories from when the Old Covenant was in play...

From Levi came Moses and his brother Aaron... and from Aaron came the priestly line in Israel:

"Now a man from the house of Levi went and took as a his wife a Levite woman. The woman conceived and bore a son, and when she saw that he was a fine child, she hid him for three months..." (Ex. 2:1,2)

...Pharoah's daughter, after drawing him out of the Nile because his parents had put him in a basket to give him escape from the massacre of male Israelite babies in Egypt, named him "Moses."

"...the Levites were not listed along with them by their ancestral tribe. For the Lord spoke to Moses, saying, 'Only the tribe of Levi you shall not list, and you shall not take a census of them among the people of Israel. But appoint the Levites over the tabernacle of the testimony, and over all its furnishings, and over all that belongs to it... and the Levites shall keep guard over the tabernacle of the testimony.'" (Numbers 1:47-50, 53)

The sons of Levi were set apart to be ATTACHED to the Lord.

Oh, what a mind-blowing mystery! In Leah's heart-brokenness she screamed the name "Levi!", hoping with ALL her heart that indifferent Jacob would be attached to her... and yet... beyond that moment... BIGGER than that moment... the source of that cry makes Leah's sound like only a faint echo... the source of "Levi" was resting in the heart of Yahweh. He looked into the life of Leah's infant third son and saw the Levite tribe; the people appointed to minister in His house.

And to only add to the journey of this name, I read this passage in Luke 5 yesterday:

"After this [Jesus] went out and saw a tax collector named Levi, sitting at the tax booth. And he said to him, 'Follow me.' And leaving everything, he rose and followed him. And Levi made him a great feast in his house, and there was a large company of tax collectors and others reclining at table with them. And the Pharisees and their scribes grumbled at his disciples, saying, 'Why do you eat and drink with tax collectors and sinners?' And Jesus answered them, 'Those who are well have no need of a physician, but those who are sick. I have not come to call the righteous but sinners to repentance.'" (5:27-32)

I know that this man Levi probably wasn't in the actual Levitical line (that'd be something interesting to find out, though) ... but his NAME... "attached". A sneaky, greedy, dishonest, all-around nasty fellow named "attached"! And Jesus CALLED him! And what did he do in response? Left everything, walked beside the Son of God, made him dinner, and invited all his friends that looked just as unlikely as him, but were just as captivated by this man... this man who set his heart on healing and ATTACHING himself to the sick... and leading them to repentance.

I'm sitting in my quiet, lamp-lit room right now... window open to the summer night air... feeling that SAME call to "attachedness" in my heart. Scared to death that I've tried to sever that umbilical cord one too many times. Wondering if in my attention-consuming, present-moment sorrow, He is STILL working out what "Levi" means in my life... no matter HOW much I don't get it.

There's a passage in Kierkegaard's "Training in Christianity" that I read not long after first embarking on this journey:

"If thou thyself art conscious of being a sinner, he will not inquire of thee about it, the bruised reed He will not further break, but He will raise thee up if thou wilt ATTACH thyself to Him."

What a potent thing to swallow.

So... all of that to say... I LONG to be attached to the person of Jesus. I am often having to come to a place of repentance (OFTEN) -- being hauntingly reminded of how deep His passionate, scandalous, irreversible love goes. Thank you, Abba, that that tie isn't easily broken... that you are generously attaching and re-attaching my heart to yours by your grace. Drag me there if you have to, Jesus.

Dear, dear brothers and sisters of mine - you who are called to this incomprehensible attachment, as I am - hear the name "Levi" being spoken over your life even now by your Maker... and pray with me for help to react in a way that doesn't hinder it, but will grow it.



Beth